


The Doll on the Wall

by Tadpole4176



Series: Retirement Trouble [9]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Fluff, Fun, Gen, Kidfic, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:27:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28199130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire? And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?Just before Christmas Jeremy and Richard decide they should do an alternative version of the cool wall.
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond/James May
Series: Retirement Trouble [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	The Doll on the Wall

“Tonight,” announced Richard, beaming at the audience, “we’re going to do a cool wall. But,” he paused, “not THE cool wall, this is a cool wall with a difference.”

“Not much difference,” put in James. “I’m fairly certain it’s going to turn out to be a shambles and have you two children squabbling just like usual.”

“No, well yes, but this time we’re going to be squabbling about toys instead of cars,” explained Richard.

“Important Christmas consumer advice,” added Jeremy, nodding seriously.

“From a car show,” pointed out James.

“We like toys as well!” protested Richard. “And I’m… in a particularly good state to appreciate toys just at the moment.” He vaguely waved at his child-sized body.

“Go on,” said James, chuckling, “get on with it. I’m going to laugh from here.” He shooed them away, physically herding them towards a completely blank screen that looked exactly like the cool wall, but red.

“Right,” said Richard, standing in front of the screen and rolling his eyes at James’s antics. “Now that that’s settled, I should see what we’re looking at.”

“I’ll start,” said Jeremy, wandering over to stand beside him. “We’re going to start with Lego.” He held out a piece of duplo with Velcro stuck on it.

“That’s duplo,” said Richard.

“It’s representing Lego, because no one would be able to see a single piece of Lego stuck on the wall,” explained Jeremy.

“Ah,” nodded Richard. “Slightly confusing, but OK. I think it’s cool, it’s Lego! You can’t go wrong.”

“I agree,” replied Jeremy, stepping towards the cool section and placing the brick on it.

“You do?” Richard looked surprised.

“Yes, you can build anything with Lego - knobs, poo…”

“I see your point,” interrupted Richard. “Moving on!” He dashed to his toy box, reaching inside and revealing some Meccano.

“That’s Meccano,” said Jeremy. “It’s for geeks. Definitely uncool.”

“It’s cool!” argued Richard. “You can build anything with it, even make it work – it’s amazing stuff.”

“Exactly, it’s for James May.” Jeremy grabbed it from him and stuck it in uncool, too high for Richard to reach. “And I am right,” he announced, waving his arm at Richard and then the much higher piece of Meccano.

“Ahh, but that’s where you’re wrong,” grinned Richard, going back to his toy box. “You can really build anything with Meccano!” He withdrew a step stool, made entirely from Meccano, and placed it carefully beneath the other piece of Meccano, climbing up and reaching for it as Jeremy laughed.

“I see the hand of James May in that one,” he chuckled.

“Yes,” said Richard. “Which makes you outvoted.”

“It’s not a democracy,” Jeremy reminded him, watching him move the Meccano into cool and stepping towards it.

“No,” admitted Richard, stepping off the stool. “But this stool is multi-purpose.” He held the stool towards Jeremy, waving it about a bit, threateningly. “Time to move on?”

Jeremy laughed, reaching into his own toy box and withdrawing an airfix model.

Putting the stool down, Richard laughed. “I’m not sure that even requires conversation.”

“Clearly uncool,” agreed Jeremy, striding over to place it.

“Maybe seriously uncool?” asked Richard. “Though, perhaps we should save that for the next item,” he dug into his box again, revealing some sort of baby doll. “This comes with accessories so that you can pretend to feed it, and it even cries for you!”

“You’re right, that’s seriously uncool,” agreed Jeremy. “We might not even be able to get that far enough away from us.”

“We could consider getting someone to take it further away,” agreed Richard. “Any volunteers? Got to be in the right direction, west was it?”

“West,” nodded Jeremy, pointing to an audience member who had their hand up. “Where are you from?”

“America.”

Jeremy laughed. “Perfect!” He beckoned Richard over, to hand over the doll. “And we don’t have to look at it on our wall.”

“That’s a good solution,” agreed Richard, grinning.

“Moving on,” said Jeremy. “I have a computer game.” He held up a box for a PS6 game, looking particularly unimpressed.

“What is it?” asked Richard, moving over to take a closer look at the details.

“I don’t know,” shrugged Jeremy, “it’s a computer game.”

“But which computer game is important,” said Richard. “Some of them are terrible, and others are brilliant.”

“They’re computer games, they’re all uncool,” stated Jeremy.

“Uncharted 8,” read Richard. “OOooh, that could be pretty cool. Adventuring, shooting the bad guys, finding treasure… all good stuff.”

“It’s uncool,” persisted Jeremy, placing it on the board.

Richard glared at him, but didn’t press any further. “I think I’ve got one we’ll agree on here,” he said, pulling a piece of model train track out of his box. “Train sets.”

“Uncool,” said Jeremy, as if any further explanation was needed.

“James owns one,” nodded Richard. “It’s uncool, seriously uncool in fact.” He placed it on the wall.

“This robot,” said Jeremy, holding up a small, robotic toy.

“Uncool,” said Richard. “It’s aimed at the geeks again, no use to anyone else.”

“Ah, but there you’re wrong,” responded Jeremy. “This can become your servant. You can program it to deliver wine and chocolate without getting up from the sofa.”

“As if you could do that!” laughed Richard. “You’d be lucky to program it to spin on the spot.”

“I could do that,” protested Jeremy. “I could ask James.”

Richard rolled his eyes as Jeremy placed the robot on the ground in the cool section.

As Jeremy turned back to his box to collect the final item, however, Richard reached down and flicked a switch on the back of the robot.

Jeremy stepped forward, holding an action figure of Wolverine from the X-Men. “Superheroes,” he said, just as the robot behind him started to move itself towards the uncool section on the wall.

“Superheroes are cool!” cried Richard, pulling a classic superhero pose. “They rescue people, and small animals, save the world..”

“It’s a doll,” said Jeremy. “We’ve already agreed that dolls are so uncool they need to cross the pond.”

“It’s not a doll, it’s Wolverine, who must be one of the coolest superheroes ever!” Richard snatched it from him, and ran off into the crowd, grabbing a cape that one of the crew offered to him as he went and slipping it over his head.

Jeremy ran after him, the crowd parting as the much larger man came charging at them, catching Richard up and swinging him over his shoulder, then running back to the cool wall. “Where does the doll go, Hamster?” he asked.

“Cool! It’s a superhero!” gasped Richard, between giggles.

“Wrong answer,” yelled Jeremy, “you’ll have to stay there then!” He grabbed Richard’s ankles, and lifted him fully over his shoulder, dangling him nearer to the floor and pretending he was going to drop him.

“Stop! Stop!” screamed Richard.

“Say it’s uncool,” offered Jeremy.

“Never!”

Behind them, the robot continued to move towards the uncool section.

“And at this point, ladies and gentlemen,” said James, calmly, his eyebrows raised at his two friends. “I think I’d better step in, before our little superhero hits the floor.”

“All he has to do is admit the truth,” insisted Jeremy, pulling his best innocent expression.

“Never going to happen,” panted Richard.

“Give me the doll,” sighed James, taking it from Richard’s hand, then walking away from Jeremy.

“You can put me down now, Jez,” called Richard, hitting Jeremy’s back several times.

“Got to see how James decides first,” replied Jeremy, grinning evilly.

“I’m putting the question to the audience,” James told him, giving him his best disapproving look. “But I’ll be having words if you break the Hamster.”

“This is not a democracy!” repeated Jeremy. “I don’t know why you two can’t remember that.”

James studied Jeremy carefully, then turned to face the audience in preparation for a vote, apparently ignoring Jeremy’s words, but paying particular attention to a couple of taller men near the front of the audience.

“Who votes for superhero?” shouted James, holding the Wolverine doll in the air.

Most of the audience seemed to hold their hands up, certainly there was a vast number of hands. James nodded slightly at the men in the audience.

“Their opinion doesn’t count anyway,” said Jeremy. “Sorry, but you’re all car geeks.”

A ripple of laughter echoed through the audience, and James.

“And who votes for doll?”

“And me not dropping the Hamster,” added Jeremy, just as the two audience members crept up behind him and grabbed Richard, safely removing him from Jeremy’s hold and turning the, by now, very red faced boy the right way up, depositing him safely behind a grinning James.

“Mutiny!” cried Jeremy.

“I think you have your answer,” laughed James. “Wolverine is cool.”

“Yes!” yelled Richard, still safely behind James, but sticking his tongue out at Jeremy as the taller man started to laugh.

“I’m not done with you!” laughed Jeremy, launching towards Richard and chasing him across the studio again, leaving James alone in front of the cool wall.

“And on that bombshell,” said James. “I think we’d better end.” He walked over to the cool wall, sticking Wolverine in the cool section and then moving to uncool in order to turn the little robot off before it went too far and got lost.


End file.
